01 February 2014

Grief: In the Tunnel


I usually try to keep my blog a happy place. But the circumstances of the past five years have altered me permanently, and to deny or ignore that fact would be inauthentic. To be sure, the grief I've experienced is huge to me, but I know that others have experienced profound loss, too. So even though it means occasionally departing from happier topics, I hope to share some things I've learned from time to time, with the hope that it might help someone else who is traveling this long and lonely path.

The Tunnel
When I first started meeting with my grief counselor, I told her that I felt "stuck" in my grief, unable to move forward and fearful that I was actually moving backward. She assured me that I am indeed moving forward, even though it doesn't always feel like it to me. At first I found that to be a curious concept, but it made perfect sense to me when she shared an analogy which came to her one summer while vacationing in Europe. As she traveled between two countries via a long, dark tunnel, it occurred to her that grief is like that tunnel.

Let me see if I can put this into words. When you first enter the tunnel, you can look back over your shoulder and see the familiar country you've just left. That country represents the life you knew before grief. It's dark in the tunnel, but you can still catch glimpses of the light behind you. It enables you to see just enough to find your way. You keep turning around to glance at it. It's comforting.

But as you progress through the tunnel, the familiar light behind you disappears and there is nothing but darkness surrounding you. You think you're moving along the path, but without light behind you or any sign of light ahead, you can't be sure. There is nothing but darkness. It's quiet. You're scared. Are you lost?

Finally you begin to see a tiny dot of light up ahead. As you move closer to it, you can begin to make out a landscape. You make your way to it, but it is altogether unfamiliar territory. As you emerge from the tunnel, you discover that you're in a new country. You don't speak the language. The terrain is different. You don't know your way around. This is your new life, and it bears almost no resemblance to the life you had before you entered the tunnel.

If you're on the long and lonely path of grief, too, I hope you'll give some thought to this analogy. Although it may be very dark in the tunnel right now, trust that there is indeed light up ahead. Believe those who have traveled through the tunnel that one day, you'll begin to see it. And know that somewhere along the path, you'll find a way to embrace the possibilities -- albeit new and unknown -- that await you on the other side.
Janet


9 comments:

Sarah Coggins said...

Thinking of you and sending huge ((HUGS)). Feel the same about the last few years for me. Each day I remind myself it's a new day to keep pushing forward just a teeny bit more. And if I break down and cry, that's okay too. It's all part of the journey to healing. The tunnel analogy is a good one. Thanks for sharing.

Maureen said...

Thank you for sharing this perfect analogy Janet. Hubby and his mom just lost his sister very suddenly and way too soon (she was 61, went to the ER with flu symptoms and 24 hours later was gone) - just 10 days ago. I know it is so difficult for them. A family of three is now a family of two. I will share this with them. Hope that you will find your tunnel's end soon.

Heather said...

What a good analogy! Thank you for sharing. We've had our fair share of grief around here too. I recently lost my dear aunt & uncle (more like grandparents to me) suddenly, exactly 7 weeks apart. It still doesn't seem real that they're gone! (((HUGS))) to you!! Keep going forward...things will get better!!

Maureen - I'm sorry to hear of your family's loss too!! (((HUGS))) for you as well!

Kimberly Marie said...

Such a thoughtful and well written post, Janet! Praying your months ahead are happier, little by little, and that new moments you encounter become precious memories for years to come.....

Janet said...

Sarah, thank you for stopping by. I wish you peace and strength as you continue on your journey. Hugs to you!

Janet said...

Maureen, I'm so sorry to hear about your family's loss. Any death is traumatic, but a sudden loss can be especially hard to understand and process. Sending hugs your way.

Janet said...

Heather, thank you for stopping by. I'm so sorry for your loss. What a sad situation. Now you've found your life has completely changed. Wishing you peace as you work through your grief. HUGS!

Janet said...

Kimberly, thank you so much for your kind words. Each day is a little brighter, and I know I will get there in time. We'll see what life looks like on the other side of that tunnel!

Kristina said...

I understand exactly where you are coming from. You are so smart and brave to go to grief counseling. I should have gone after my mother's death and I should have suggested it to my brother and sister also.