Grief: In the Tunnel

I usually try to keep my blog a happy place. But the circumstances of the past five years have altered me permanently, and to deny or ignore that fact would be inauthentic. To be sure, the grief I've experienced is huge to me, but I know that others have experienced profound loss, too. So even though it means occasionally departing from happier topics, I hope to share some things I've learned from time to time, with the hope that it might help someone else who is traveling this long and lonely path.

The Tunnel

When I first started meeting with my grief counselor, I told her that I felt "stuck" in my grief, unable to move forward and fearful that I was actually moving backward. She assured me that I am indeed moving forward, even though it doesn't always feel like it to me. At first I found that to be a curious concept, but it made perfect sense to me when she shared an analogy which came to her one summer while vacationing in Europe. As she traveled between two countries via a long, dark tunnel, it occurred to her that grief is like that tunnel.

Let me see if I can put this into words. When you first enter the tunnel, you can look back over your shoulder and see the familiar country you've just left. That country represents the life you knew before grief. It's dark in the tunnel, but you can still catch glimpses of the light behind you. It enables you to see just enough to find your way. You keep turning around to glance at it. It's comforting.

But as you progress through the tunnel, the familiar light behind you disappears and there is nothing but darkness surrounding you. You think you're moving along the path, but without light behind you or any sign of light ahead, you can't be sure. There is nothing but darkness. It's quiet. You're scared. Are you lost?

Finally you begin to see a tiny dot of light up ahead. As you move closer to it, you can begin to make out a landscape. You make your way to it, but it is altogether unfamiliar territory. As you emerge from the tunnel, you discover that you're in a new country. You don't speak the language. The terrain is different. You don't know your way around. This is your new life, and it bears almost no resemblance to the life you had before you entered the tunnel.

If you're on the long and lonely path of grief, too, I hope you'll give some thought to this analogy. Although it may be very dark in the tunnel right now, trust that there is indeed light up ahead. Believe those who have traveled through the tunnel that one day, you'll begin to see it. And know that somewhere along the path, you'll find a way to embrace the possibilities -- albeit new and unknown -- that await you on the other side.

Janet