Who Can Relate?

Ummm...I think this is me! 😉

Life: Making Better Choices

I started taking blood pressure medication this summer. I've suspected my blood pressure was high for some time. Years, in fact. I've ignored it, blamed it on circumstances, made excuses for it. I didn't want to take medication. In some twisted way, I considered taking pills a failure. Choosing to not take them meant that I was in control.

I believe that we all see life through a filter of the events that have affected us. Those events shape how we view the world and how we make decisions. And although my mom would not be pleased that I'm sharing details of her story, it illustrates how making the wrong choices can ultimately hurt not only you but those around you, in ways you would never have anticipated.

One of my my most vivid childhood memories is of standing at the kitchen counter and watching my mom carefully slice pills with a paring knife. At first I didn't understand what she was doing or why she was doing it. Over time I watched as she shaved more and more from those pills until eventually there were no more pills to cut.

You see, when I was in first or second grade, my mom had had open heart surgery to close a hole between the chambers of her heart. She was one of the first two patients in our area to have the surgery, and I later came to understand that it had been a very risky operation. There were even newspaper articles written about it. Although she never verbalized it to me at the time, when I discovered her funeral plans tucked into the family Bible, I realized that my mom had not expected to survive that surgery.

But she did survive. She thrived, in fact. The only downside was that she had to take one pill each day for the rest of her life. 

At some point, Mom felt so well that she decided she no longer needed to see her cardiologist, the one who had saved her life. And those pills? She would wean herself from them by slicing off a little bit at a time. To her, that meant taking control.

Many years and many heartaches later, I have my theories as to why my mom didn't want to take her medication or see a doctor. But the truth of the matter is that Mom did just fine without her pills -- or at least it appeared that way -- until the last year of her life.

Mom's breast cancer diagnosis came as a huge shock to me. It wasn't a shock to her, but that's a story for another day. Unfortunately, her tumor could not be removed until reducing it in size through chemotherapy. We found some relief in learning that her cancer, while considered "locally advanced", was the type that typically responded well to chemo. Although the situation was grim, at least there was a treatment plan. In fact, her prognosis looked promising.

Sadly, it was at that point that all those years of neglecting her health caught up with her. Tests revealed that failing to take her medication had caused her heart to enlarge and weaken significantly. Chemo, they said, would be too much for her heart to endure. 

I was shell-shocked to hear those words. My mom could not receive the very treatment she needed to save her life. In one sickening moment, I realized the horrendous impact of failing to take those pills.

After consulting with other oncologists, her doctor came up with an alternative treatment plan which proved surprisingly effective in reducing her tumor in size. In the meantime, she was started on medication to strengthen her heart, with the hope that it could tolerate the chemotherapy which would eventually be required following surgery. 

But that day never came. On a Friday before her scheduled surgery date, she received a call from her surgeon, hung up the phone, and suffered a massive heart attack. All those years of neglect had weakened her heart beyond repair. When push came to shove, when she needed the emotional and physical reserves to get through the stress, her heart just couldn't handle it.

There's a lot more to this story, but it's not for today. Did my mom -- or God -- take ultimate control to avoid a surgery she didn't want to have? Who knows. It's taken a good deal of painful therapy for me to unravel -- and re-ravel -- all of those conflicting thoughts which make grief so complex and move past the anger I feel toward my mom. On most days, I've come to terms with it, but occasionally those feelings bubble up inside me. I loved my mom dearly, but I believe that if she had made different -- better -- choices, we would still have her here today. Oh, how I wish she had chosen differently.

After all these years grappling with how we lost her, I have come to one very sad conclusion: How easily she might have prevented so much heartache -- saved herself, even -- by taking that one little pill each day. ONE PILL.

So back to this summer. Once again I found myself sitting at the doctor's office, my blood pressure sky high. It occurred to me that by continuing to neglect my heart, I was guilty of the same behavior that ultimately killed my mom. I am my mother's daughter, that's for sure.

 But that's where it stops. I can -- and will -- make better choices. I looked at my doctor and said, "I need to do something about this." 

I took control of my health in a different way. I made a better choice -- for me and those who care about me. After years of angst, it turned out to be a simple solution.

I take the pill. 

Missing you, Mom. 

Bathroom Re-Model: Early Mornings

I'm not a morning person -- not in the least. When I worked in the corporate world, I forced myself to arrive at the office sometimes as early as 6:30 in the morning, but now that I do most of my work from home, I'm never presentable at that hour of the day!

But having workers in our house starting very early each day has caused me to change my morning routine. The early mornings have forced me to go to bed at a decent hour (much earlier than my usual midnight or 1am). That in itself is a good thing. My sleep habits are generally very poor and I almost never wake up feeling rested, so I'm thinking that this change is probably a good one.

Another observation: I probably waste a lot of time in the evenings when I actually could be working, so now that my daylight productive time is longer, I seem to be getting more done.

I'll never be a morning person but for the time being, I'm pretending to be one. We'll see if this new routine sticks after the bathroom remodel is done!

Digging Out, Back Soon

Since my dad passed away last year and I found myself faced with the overwhelming aftermath of his death, I've felt like I've been at the bottom of big dark hole. 

Every time I've tried to dig myself out, some new and ominous challenge has been waiting at the top to push me right back down. So again I start digging my way out, only to slip and find myself back at the bottom of the pit again.

I'm not playing the victim here. Sometimes the "push" comes from circumstances beyond my control but just as often it is self-inflicted, as I try to take on more than I should without giving myself a chance to breathe. I'm often my own worst enemy.

So I'm taking a short break from the blog because I'm busy trying to climb back out of the hole, hopefully this time for GOOD. And believe me, as soon as I see the light of day, I'm making a run for it -- off to sunnier pastures with smoother terrain.

Thanks for hanging with me, blogging friends. Don't worry about me. I hope to be back soon! :)

jp

Ups and Downs

It's been one of those weeks. Or months. Good stuff, not so good stuff, a lot of "meh" and "blah" mixed in. On the plus side, we found a nice fire pit for the patio. We'd been looking around a bit and happened on this one. I'd forgotten how relaxing it is to just sit by the fire. I actually spent one entire evening doing just that. I don't often sit and do nothing, and I'll admit it was kind of nice.

In the not-so-great column, I tripped over the cat scratching post and seriously stubbed or possibly broke my little toe. You can see the discoloration just beginning in this photo. Trust me -- it hurt like crazy. I hobbled around for a few days and abandoned this week's gym visits because I cannot wear shoes, let alone think of running right now.

 

On the plus side, I finally bought some English walnuts so I can make the really deluxe version of oatmeal, with Craisins and brown sugar. Don't ask why it's taken me so long to buy a bag of English walnuts. I don't do a great job of taking care of myself. That needs to change!

Now that I'm teaching more classes and making many more kits than I have in the past, I'm going to have to get a lot smarter about things. (Work smarter, not harder, right?) I will say that I love the Silhouette Cameo I recently purchased. (You can see a few moons I cut in the picture below.) I'm integrating various Silhouette cuts into my classes, and I do think it will save me time in the long run. It definitely provides endless design options, which I love!

On the down side, I haven't done a single thing yet with my garden plans. The summer has slipped away from me and I'm afraid it's too late to start anything anyway. I can't move plants at this point in the season, so I think I'll wait until spring to tackle that project. Hopefully by then I'll have some other aspects of my life back under control and can really focus on making the most of those amazingly detailed plans. 

On the plus side, we've had a lot of rain this summer so the flower beds look pretty good for this late in the season. Last night I happened to catch this beautiful butterfly enjoying the liatris!

 

Another positive: I received my order of old slides back from the imaging place, where I had them scanned, cleaned, and color-restored in .jpeg format. Worth every penny. Blog post coming on this topic!

In spite of the ups and downs, on balance it's been a pretty good few days. I'm grateful for many things and looking forward to a productive weekend!

Grandma's Journal

If you've been reading my blog you may recall that since last summer, I've been sorting through boxes of mementos from my childhood home. Included in this pile of artifacts are several boxes from my late grandma's house. When she passed away in 2004, my mom cleaned out her house and took home several boxes of papers. She planned to sort through them but never did. So I'm doing it now. 

 

 I'm sure my mom knew about Grandma's journal, but I did not. Of course, I knew my grandma loved to write and had read many of her stories over the years, but I had no idea she had kept a journal which included many entries about me growing up. These entries are precious to me, especially because the baby book my mom started for me was never completed. Grandma often stayed with me while my parents were gone, so her journal entries provide incredibly detailed glimpses into my early years. 

In addition to journal entries, I found folders containing Grandma's original poems and stories. I decided to corral all of Grandma's writings in a binder to preserve them and make them easier to read. I bought an 8.5x11 ring-bound album and page protectors at Memory Bound and set to work.

 

Rather than "scrapbook" the journal, I decided to just slip the pages into blank page protectors, as many are written on both the front and back. Many of the entries are dated but some are not, so I tried my best to put them into date order. After just a few hours of sorting, I had completed the album.

I decided to divide the album into sections using some plastic dividers by Becky Higgins. (As you can see in the photo below, they are too long for the 8.5x11 binder so I will cut them off after I finish labeling them.) If I ever have time to scrapbook my own childhood, I may move some of the journal entries into a larger album, integrating them with photos taken during those years.

The first section of the binder contains journal entries about my early years. Grandma's writing is lively and imaginative and includes many vivid details about my parents, my house, and our pets. 

  When we traveled on vacations over the years, Grandma often took care of our dog and cats. Imagine my delight when I found journal entries about many of those occasions. Some are written from the perspective of the dog or cat. :) I set up a section in the binder just for these entries. This one is about our dog, Tammy.

 

Here's one about my cat, Wrinkles.

 

Grandma also took care of my turtles when we were away. Of course, she wrote the "Daily Turtle Report". You cannot imagine how wonderful this was to find!

 

The last section in the binder is for Grandma's original stories and poems. There are so many and some are so long that I had to tuck entire stories into a single page protector.

There are short stories, poems, and essays about many topics.

 I even found the prototype "issue" of Dog Town News, a newspaper just for canines -- complete with advertisements and an editorial written by a cat.

Of all the artifacts I've uncovered in sorting through boxes, Grandma's journal entries are among the most precious to me. As I have grappled with losing my parents, I've often felt like I've lost my personal story, too, because there is no one left who shares my memories. Grandma's writings help tell the story of my childhood, which seemed lost to me when I lost my parents. Finding her journal entries feels enormously healing to me -- like a gift created and placed for me to find, exactly when I needed it.

jp 

Wrapping Up Year Four

I'm diligent about doing some things, but uploading the photos from my phone is not one of them. Mercy, I finally got that done with hopes that my phone will now function a little better since it's not so heavily laden with my stellar photos -- 90% of which are of the cats. :)

The other 10% are Bailey pictures. Now that sounds like I'm a neglectful mama! Trust me: If I saw her more frequently, there would be a lot more photos! So now that I've rounded up all of those phone pictures, here's a sampling from our visit to IU last month to pack up Bailey's apartment and take her home for a few short weeks.

Before we left town, I managed to grab a couple of photos in front of the iconic Sample Gates. These limestone gates make a beautiful entrance to the campus. We had to work quickly as it was graduation weekend and many families were taking pics at the gates. Next year, it will be our turn!

Here we are making one last stop at the music building, with both vehicles loaded up and ready for the trip home. I was so excited to steal her away for a few weeks!

 

 I managed to grab a couple of photos in the nearly empty apartment.

She was not thrilled!

Awww, these bears have been everywhere with Bailey! They are now college educated!

Of course I had to get an end of the school year picture with The Boy. Too bad we had to do this in a dark parking lot! It was just that kind of weekend!

We also grabbed a parking lot photo of the three of us. Maybe we look better in dim light. :)

While Bailey took care of some last minute stuff, Spouse and I did some things around campus. We stopped at Nick's for a quick lunch one day. This is water. One usually drinks something other than water at Nick's. :)

Here's the view of Kirkwood Avenue from the other side of the Sample Gates. For once, the weather was perfect during our visit, making for very pleasant walks through the campus.

We wandered around Dunn Woods which runs through campus and saw a number of trees planted in the early 1900's. It made me think about how quickly Bailey's time at IU has passed, in the grand scheme of things.

Such a lovely campus...

 Incoming students traditionally shake the hand of the Herman B. Wells statue (above) for good luck. We saw a number of graduating students doing the same thing.

 We had never looked inside the Rose Well House, another iconic spot for photos.

 

 

I'm sure going to miss this place!

We are so proud of the work Bailey has done at IU. Just one more semester on campus followed by her student teaching assignment in a nearby town, then she's off to do big things in the world of music education! We're very excited to see what the future holds for our girl!

jp

March Stuff

Thanks, dear blogging friends, for putting up with my brief period of feeling overwhelmed. I greatly appreciate the kind comments and supportive words. I've found that one of the best things I can do when I start to feel this way is take a few hours to organize myself. This gives me a renewed sense of control -- even though I know I don't have complete control over everything. 

The other thing that helps is a good night's sleep, as suggested by my college student daughter. (Go figure...the student telling the MOM to get some rest!)  I finally got some decent sleep last night, and I'll admit that it really does make a huge difference in my outlook on life.

Of course, a caramel latte and a cookie don't hurt either. Except you pay for that later at the gym. :)

As it turns out, I've scheduled myself pretty heavily with March classes at Memory Bound. This is a mostly a very good thing because it provides a complete diversion from the other tasks I'm working through at this time. Making all of the kits can get a little crazy, but it's the kind of crazy that I welcome right now! :)

I'm especially excited for this class, A Dozen Cards, made with the new Pebbles spring line. As much as I love making detailed cards, at my core I'm a clean and simple kind of girl. Gal. Or whatever.

I'm also very excited about this 6x6 Waterfall Envelope album. Love the colors.

And the design is super-fun and easy once you get the idea.

Okay, I guess I'm pretty excited about this class, too, and the first one is tonight! This is a set of masculine/teen cards made with the new Graphic 45 Good Ol' Sport line. I don't even know anything about sports (well, except Indiana basketball!) and I still love this paper. Especially the colors. And the images. The guy in the lower left corner looks like a Quidditch player to me, so I made that one into a Harry Potter card. Just go with me on that... :)

And then there's a set of sympathy cards made with the new Graphic 45 Botanical Tea line. Such pretty paper. Sympathy cards are sometimes hard to make but good to have on hand when you need one.

So here's to losing perspective for a little bit -- then gaining it back -- and continuing to move forward. Resiliency. That's what it's all about.

jp

Tipping Point

 Please note: The intent of this post is not to be whiny or sad. My purpose in writing this post is to express how I'm feeling right now, in honest terms. Anyone who has traveled through difficult times knows that it's hard to keep a positive, "can do" attitude 100% of the time. It's ok to feel overwhelmed. It's ok to feel burdened. What's important is how you respond to those feelings and work yourself back to a better place. Today I'm simply acknowledging where I am in my journey.
Thanks for stopping by.
Janet 
 

 

If you've been following my blog, you know that I've had a series of unfortunate events occur over the past few months. Although I try to stay positive, right now I truly feel like I'm at a tipping point. I've added so much to my plate that I'm way out of balance. My life is completely out of kilter and I don't even recognize it anymore. The particular tasks in front of me are all new and foreign. I'm going at such a pace that I'm not giving tasks my full attention. As a result, I make mistakes. And I don't easily forgive myself, so my self-esteem takes a hit. It's all a vicious spiral.

I just needed to get this off my chest today. I know I try to project a positive image all the time, but I don't want to appear to be something I'm not. I'm fragile, just like everyone else. And I'm tired. I'm tired of it all. I'd like to think tomorrow will be a better day, but tomorrow will just add more to the scale. 

I need balance, and I'm not sure where and when I'll be able to find it.

jp

Once More, with Love

Grandma and Bailey at Grandma's 100th birthday celebration, December 2011

It seems like I just finished cleaning out my childhood home, but in the past couple of weeks I've found myself knee-deep in another one. Last week, we moved my 102-year-old grandma into a nursing home. Up until then, she had been living on her own. With my dad now gone, his executor duties have fallen to me so I've had to take the lead in figuring out what to do with yet another house full of stuff.

Luckily, my Grandma and Grandpa had an auction a few years ago before moving to this home, so the house was not nearly as full as my childhood home. With help from family members, we were able to move out all the furniture in the course of one day. Still, I've packed countless boxes and filled the recycle bin over and over. I've taken multiple loads to organizations in need. I guess the good thing is that, having been down this road before, I better understood the scope of this daunting task and how to do it this time around.

While this situation is very different than the one I faced last summer, clearing out Grandma's house still represents the end of an important part of my life. As I packed up her kitchen this afternoon, I noticed little bits of cookie dough still stuck to her rolling pin. I tucked it into my bag to take home. That rolling pin is a linking object to my childhood, and I'm not quite ready to let go of it yet.

But the most important treasures I brought from Grandma's house are her genealogy books. She's always been a meticulous keeper of family history, writing detailed notes and gathering information the old fashioned way -- by mail. Over the years, I've told her I'd be honored to keep her books and take on that role someday. Well, that "someday" has finally arrived. As I boxed up her treasured family history books, I felt the weight of responsibility. The torch has been passed.

Working through Grandma's situation has been difficult for me on many levels. I think of my dad each day as I embark on some new task or difficult conversation. These are tasks he would have tackled had he been here...heavy duties that he would never have wanted me to face. But this is the job I have to do, and I'll do the best I can with it. For Grandma, and for him.